


Looking at the fog from far away

by gp120



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2018-09-26 16:18:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9910862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gp120/pseuds/gp120
Summary: Gabriel did not expect the tall guy from the bar to become more than a fun evening. He shouldn't have gotten so invested so fast either.





	1. Chapter 1

Fucking bridezilla. The bridesmaids look miserable in every frame. At least the pictures from behind look pretty. Would it be okay to Photoshop slight smiles in and tone down the fakest grimaced grins? And would the bride even care? Gabriel was filing through the latest job’s pictures. A wedding in some fancy hotel in the middle of nowhere. At least the surroundings were gorgeous and photographed well despite it being just early February. Leaving the rest for Thursday night, he gathered his jacket and made his way out into the crisp evening and to the club he liked.

The college crowd was a bit rowdy, but nothing overtly annoying it being a Wednesday night. And people watching was more fun with the kids around. Gabriel sipped the bourbon and his attention was drawn to a shaggy haired guy at the edge at the dance floor. He was either waiting for someone or bored as hell. The boy… or man. However you wanted to call it… he was tall. And Gabriel could imagine caressing that body with his camera and developing gorgeous black and white stills. Preferably in his bedroom. 

Never one to let an opportunity pass by, Gabriel made his way to the man’s side. He was even taller up close. The loose plaid shirt was conveniently open to show a slightly tighter T-shirt. Who wears a flannel shirt to a club?  
“Hey! Are you waiting for someone?”  
The man seemed surprised to be addressed.  
“Wha…? No…”  
“You look a bit lost.”  
“My friends are somewhere out there”  
“Good. Would hate to see a gorgeous specimen like you to be all by your lonesome. Creepy short dudes might come on to you.”  
The laughter felt like a win. 

“So you are hitting on me now?”  
“Isn’t it obvious? See I’m making you come closer to hear what I’m saying and positioning myself for maximal incidental body contact”  
He seemed to take a minute to confirm these things.  
“Dude, are you using your lack of height as a means to get in my pants? Kudos for the balls”  
“And what magnificent balls they are…”  
The playful smile made Gabriel’s dick twitch. Obviously the guy was up for flirting at the minimum. 

“So what’s your name? Need to know what to scream when I come tonight”  
“You’re sure you’ll get me to come into your bed?”  
“Your presence, while an amazing prospect, is not a requirement for me to scream your name. It would make my mental image so much more realistic though”  
“In that case, it’s Sam.”  
Interestingly, being non-demanding about sex worked much better for Gabriel than trying to drag guys to his bed for that specific pastime. Maybe that was just a reflection of all the other guys being all sex crazed and this approach made him stand out.  
“I’m Gabe. Want to get a drink with me?”  
“Now?”  
“Good time as any. Or are your friends calling?”  
“Okay…”

Sam was acting as if no-one had ever bought him a drink. All awkward stares and nervous smiles at the bar.  
“Next round is on me though”  
“Sounds fine by me”  
They ended up sitting too close to each other at the bar and annoying the bartender to no end by taking the space from paying customers. Getting Sam tipsy was an excellent idea. And cutting off the alcohol before there would be any concerns about performance or consent was an even better idea.  
“You are the sexiest thing in this bar, you know that?” Compliments were the way to go.  
“No… I’m the biggest thing and easiest to see in this bar”  
“Don’t sell yourself short. I happen to have high standards and a keen eye for detail. I know when I see a sexy man and have the mental capacity to make some comparisons. Plus you are fun to talk with, have to factor that in”

“Man, you are really coming on to me”  
“Well I’m trying to. Is it working?”  
“I… Yeah. It’s working.”  
“Good.” Leaning towards Sam suggestively. The music was loud enough to create the illusion of an intimate space. The air was sexually charged maybe due to everyone else in the club getting rather intimate. Maybe it was just in Gabriel’s head. But Sam leaned right back in and thus commenced a sloppy hot kiss with obscene amount of tongue. Gabriel slid his hand in the mid length hair on Sam’s head and felt a large hand on his knee. He could pretend it was to cop a feel of him, instead of a measure to keep Sam upright. 

“You want to move this to a more private setting? I live close. Like 10 minutes on foot. Five if we run.”  
“Based on a kiss and a short conversation?”  
“Dude, it has been like two and a half hours. If that is short, I’d be interested to see what your definition of a long… conversation is”  
“Oh… I… okay. 

Because Gabriel was an amazing flirt and played his cards right, he was dragging Sam from a dimly lit hallway into his apartment after midnight. Not that any dragging was needed. The man followed him quite willingly with hands suddenly on Gabriel’s butt. Feeling up the muscular arms and ass in the elevator and stealing a few aggressive kisses promised for a great night all around.  
“Welcome to the location of this night’s entertainment, bedroom is to the left. Please follow your host to your seat and don’t keep your hands to yourself –“  
Gabriel’s excellent humorous introduction was cut short by Sam picking him up and pretty much throwing him on the bed. The man fell on top of Gabriel and immediately started removing Gabriel’s shirt and jeans. 

“Whoa! Someone’s eager… Can I help with something?”  
He was silenced again by a sloppy kiss and he almost missed Sam sliding his own shirt off.  
The skin to skin contact was marvelous, if not a bit sticky. Gabriel had thought he would be the one dominating the pace in the bedroom. Sam had seemed so polite and reserved in the bar. He was happy to be wrong. It had been ages since someone had taken the reigns. Gabriel’s personality seemed to come off as dominant and assertive to the extreme. Maybe it was a size thing, Sam being gigantic and all.

“Where do you keep lube?”  
“Oh! Sorry, I’m not prepped for anal! Wasn’t expecting to get that end of the action tonight”  
“What? No. Not that. Just… frotting, making out? I wouldn’t… Unless you don’t want to?”  
“Right, right… uh, top drawer.”

Damn those long arms could reach the nightstand easily without Sam having to move from his position pinning Gabriel to the bed. Gabriel decided to take a more active role and slid out of his pants all together. Sam tossing the bottle of lube right next to Gabriel’s ear made him jump slightly.  
They were kissing again and Gabriel could easily drag Sam’s pants over the swell of that delicious ass and free the obvious erection to say hello to his own. Friction was good. Very good. Sweaty too. And boy did the lubed hand on his junk feel exciting. Sam slotted his hips between Gabriel’s thighs for a hands-free experience. Conveniently his long arms were then free to wrap all around Gabriel to keep him in place for optimal thrusting. 

Having any kind of sex with a new person was always exciting. And interesting from an anthropological standpoint, if one was not too distracted to ponder such academic things. How did they sound? Did they want to look you in the eye or do you from behind? It was quite telling. Gabriel wouldn’t date anyone he hadn’t slept with. Without seeing that little glimpse of real vulnerability, he was a bit suspicious. At least after sex they couldn’t be too mean to you. You had seen their orgasm face and heard the moans. Those were never the most flattering.

The orgasm exploded over Gabriel faster than he would like. It was always a bit weird to just lay there while his partner finished off. On the other hand he got to really look at Sam when he was not aware of it. The scrunching up of his face was borderline cute at the end. And the grunts were going to be stored for later enjoyment.  
The weight of the man on top of Gabriel notified him that something needed to happen before the giant passed out and smothered him. Naked and covered in lube and sperm was a memorable way to go, but he couldn’t do that to his brothers. Cassie and Michael would have a coronary.  
“Hey… Sam?”  
“…huh?”  
“Yeah, you. Mind moving a bit to the side, man?”  
“Sorry, sorry…”  
They both took a deep breath and relaxed on top of the covers. Those needed to be washed. At least the actual sheets under were relatively clean. Nothing as off-putting as dealing with laundry after sex.

 

“So… that was fun…”  
“Yeah. Sorry for squishing you.”  
“Not a problem, dude. Man, I’m filthy.” Getting up and trying to not drip the spunk everywhere was difficult. At least Gabriel was comfortable with his body. Despite the slight bulge on his waistline. There were no complaints earlier anyway. Picking up his undershirt and wiping the most of the mess off, he inched towards the bathroom. Sam was absolutely blissed out and already falling asleep. 

The cursory shower got Gabriel clean enough to get into bed. And Sam was asleep, draped over the whole bed. Gabriel resisted getting his camera. That would be a bit unethical. Black and white with the minimal lighting of the bedroom would work very nicely. Maybe less drooling though. And the swipe of ejaculate on the stomach might be a tad too graphic.  
“Hey… HEY! If you’re going to stay, take a shower. Try not to spread all the spunk on the sheets.”  
“…oh… sorry…” Sam slid off the bed carefully and proceeded to stumble over his feet once he got up.  
“If there’s a repeat performance in the morning, I’d be delighted to keep you here. So…towels are in the cupboard next to the toilet. Up to you, though.” Gabriel smiled to convince Sam of the fun to be had later on.  
“Well… It is kinda late… so I could…”  
“Awesome! Chop, chop, Sammy… get your ass in the shower”

The smile Gabriel spied on the handsome face was somewhat at odds with the extra assertive sex Sam had provided earlier. It seemed surprised and shy.  
The sexy black boxer briefs or more fun silky boxers with pineapples on them? Playing it safe with black. And it might get Gabriel to a more dominant mood in the morning for the possible fun with Sam. To make the contrast even more obvious Gabriel offered the fruit decorated boxers to Sam. “To sleep in. Unless you go commando, which I completely approve.”  
“Thanks… Do you…? Which side…”  
“I’ll be on the left. Next to all the cool toys”

 

When Gabriel got back Sam was asleep and perched on the edge of the large bed. Like he was apologetic about being there. Gabriel considered waking him up. It could lead to the man leaving sooner than he would like. He decided to slowly creep closer and gently place his hands on the shoulder almost hovering over the edge of the bed.  
“Come on Sammy. Can’t have you falling off now…”  
Pulling the sizable man to his side led to Gabriel getting snuggled by a sleepy Sam. It was actually nice. Unexpected perk of fooling around with a tall person. Gabriel felt taken care of and warm. Was this what chicks were after? It definitely helped him fall asleep fast.

)---(

Gabriel woke up to hair tickling his nose. Which was weird since he could still feel the elastic keeping his hair on a tiny ponytail. Trying to swat the errant lock off his face he ended up hitting a person. Shit!  
“Ow… I’m up, I’m up. What is it?”  
“Uh… your hair was tickling me? …sorry…”  
The confused smile was nice. Gabriel took stock of his clothes. At least he was wearing boxers. Nudity the morning after tended to make things a bit awkward. Better start talking. It seemed like the giant wasn’t going to be the one initiating anything.

“You sleep okay?”  
“Yeah…”  
“I’m sensing hesitation. Did I snore? Or… Oh God, tell me you remember last night…”  
“Of course I remember! And I did sleep just fine. What time is it anyway?”  
“Nine-ish”  
“Oh. Okay. Well. Thanks for the… uh…”  
“Sex? No problem. It was really all my pleasure. Lots of pleasure. Hey, I thought you were hoping for a repeat performance?”  
“...oh. Ah… you’re up for that? I mean, I’ve been here all night and you might want to… I don’t know…”  
“You serious? Last night was great, but I was thinking along the lines of turnabout is a fair play and all that...” Gabriel straddled the apologetic giant and promptly immobilized the hands while grinding down on the obvious morning wood. 

“Holy shit…”  
“Yeah. I thoroughly enjoyed last night. And I think you should get to lay down and… enjoy the ride”  
Gabriel’s hold on Sam’s wrists stayed firm and after a few decisive gyrations on the general area of Sam’s crotch led to a sudden relaxation under him. Interesting.  
Gabriel loosened his grip. No need to over do it. Sam opened his eyes to close them tightly again, as if he was ashamed.  
“No… hold me like that…” And Gabriel was more than willing to play a bit. He usually did like to take the reigns in the bedroom, although not this literally. But what the heck, this could be fun. 

And boy did it turn out to be fun. Sam was far more vocal than last night. The soft mewling sounds and gasps in response to mere grinding were intoxicating. The complete surrender displayed under Gabriel was something he hadn’t seen in any of his recent partners. Was this some sort of kink Sam had?  
After thoroughly satisfying orgasms on both sides, it turned out Sam at least wasn’t aware of any kinks.  
“Sorry… I don’t usually... “  
“What? Come your brains out under a handsome man?”  
“...make someone to… be under someone… for that”  
“Oh?... Oh! You--- you are in for a world of fun! Now, to me it looked like you enjoyed that tremendously. You could be one of the lucky ones with certain preferences. You know, submissive tendencies?”  
“How would you know? You have known me for what? 18 hours?”  
“Dude, your reactions were like text book. How haven’t you noticed this stuff before? It certainly seemed like this wasn’t the first time you were getting freaky”  
“God no. Really not. I guess no-one has ever done that for me”  
“Well, you’re welcome”  
“Yeah… thanks…?”

After re-showering and getting into his last night’s clothes minus a pair of soiled underwear, Sam sheepishly slinked out of Gabriel’s apartment. Damn, that was amazing. A gorgeous man in Gabriel’s bed with strenuous extracurricular activities both at night and in the morning. And not even a sucky selfie to commemorate the event at any point of the evening. And that was something he would regret until the end of days. Oh well, call it one of those sightings of an exotic animal you didn’t have the right lense for.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter sets the scene and gives some background information. Nothing too intense just yet...

The gigs picked up around Valentine’s day with the engagement photo shoots. But lucky for Gabriel, he had managed to grab a far less emotionally charged deal with some honor society. A yearly lot of new scholarship recipients were to be dined and photographed for the society website and publication. So “spontaneous” fun pictures and individual official stick up the ass portraits.

The coctails and finger food were an added bonus. No way an engagement shoot came with treats. Those came with passive aggressive females and ‘I had actually been thinking…’ that started an extra 30 minute session with the cool ferns at the botanical garden. Which in turn led to ‘oh we should do one with just the ring and flowers’. Damned pinterest.

The quests started to arrive and snapping a few handshake pictures were just to test the environment and lighting. The attending professor type guys were all respectable looking old people. Big surprise there. That made the assumed awardees look like they were 12 years old in suits that didn’t fit properly and dresses that were either overtly conservative or dancing on the edge of slutty. And there was nothing wrong with slutty dresses. They made for amazing pictures in any other occasion. Draped over a nervous over achiever standing next to an old guy… well that made an unfortunate picture. To be that young again… but with better suit… hell even a slutty dress could be so much fun. 

Half way through the gig Gabriel got to the last portrait of a high achieving kid with an unfortunate suit. Well shit. Shit. These were college students right? They were all legal in all senses… were these awards for juniors? Seniors? Please don’t let it be freshmen… Sam was fiddling with his sleeve and staring at Gabriel. He looked terrified. 

“Uh… hello.” The voice was still amazing. The boy was still tall. And Gabriel still wanted to climb him like a tree.  
“Well hello, Sam. Fancy seeing you here.”  
“Yeah… uh, what do you…?”  
“Do here? I am on the clock. Pictures of the awardees. A photographer. Incase that didn’t come up last week.”  
“Oh. Cool. Well, how do you want me?”

‘On your knees’, would be inappropriate answer and Gabriel had to bite his tongue. And of course Sam noticed. His cheeks got a bit red. Would he have to photoshop that out?  
“Just angle yourself to the left. And stand up straight, I can lift the camera you know. No need to huddle down. Okay. And look at me, or if that’s uncomfortable just anywhere on the camera.”  
“I’m not uncomfortable. Just… surprised”  
“Well, try and look all sorts of official. There is only so much I can do afterwards. Wouldn’t do having you look all awkwardly cute and the others like they had a stick up their asses.”  
He managed to take the picture just before Sam had a full smirk on. It still looked amazingly handsome. And that little hint of a smile made all the difference. Nothing fake there. But he would have to touch up on the flushed cheeks. 

“So… you are a photographer. And you work here. And I am making this horrible….”  
“Oh no! Sammy, you are a refreshing addition to this job. A happy coincidence.”  
He started to un-assemble his camera stand. Just an hour left into the evening and he would be headed home to edit the pictures. 

“So... Sammy, I just have to ask. Don’t take this the wrong way. But how old are you?”  
“...21, why? Oh! Right, college awards. Yeah, I am all legal for everything except renting a car and adopting a kid… not that I would want to do either of those things… and that is too much information”  
The relief was tremendous. Gabriel hadn’t gotten an underage boy drunk and then continued to take advantage of the said boy in his bed. The age of consent was not an issue either, thank God.  
“Can’t tell you how happy I am to hear that… about the age. The rental cars and adopting were not the concern.”  
“Yeah...so…”  
“So, I will be taking a few more shots of the crowd. Will you be around for another hour? I’ll get off at eight.”  
“Yeah… I can stick around.”  
“Great! I will see you later?”  
“Yeah, that would be good”

Gabriel tried his best to include every awardee in the group pictures. A group of girls laughing at something. The professors lining up for the wine. Sam with a plate full of food next to a dean of something or another. The president of the university talking to a group of awardees. Sam in the middle of a swarm of girls looking a bit pale. And as a final shot: a low angle shot of the room with the least number of short dresses in the front. 

Thanking the organizer for the opportunity and confirming the schedule for delivery allowed Gabriel to sneak few more appetizers. And he was surprised to find Sam still in the middle of a crowd. And he still looked pale. And his smile was as fake as a bridesmaid’s in a horrible theme wedding. 

“Hey, Sam. Have a minute?”  
Gabriel could see a degree of relief on the boy’s face when he realized it was Gabriel. He gave hasty sorries to the chicks and approached sheepishly hunched over.  
“Sorry to drag you off you fanclub”  
“No… thanks for getting me out…”  
Sam really looked pale. And sweaty.  
“Hey, why don’t we go out? Get some fresh air?”  
“...yeah”

They snuck out to the parking lot. Sam took a deep breath and tilted his head back.  
“Thanks”  
“Hey, no problem. You okay?”  
“Yeah. It just gets stifling there with the people”  
“You were fine in a packed bar”  
“Yeah, well… There are less expectations”  
“What? I had expectations.”  
“I could have just left. Or if it came to that, I’m pretty sure I could take you.”  
“You could leave them there too”  
“Not without repercussions. I’m supposed to be ‘gentlemanly to the other awardees and equally connect with all members’. A sentence taken into consideration by everyone in these things”  
“Shit. And I asked you to stay later. Sorry.”  
“You saved me from them, we’re even.”

Now that they were outside and Sam had relaxed, Gabriel could really see the difference in the man. And let’s face it. Sam was a man. Gabriel had not seen a boy in his bedroom. There was less cold sweat and more color on his face. At the same time there was something very sad about him. Gabriel couldn’t resist pointing his camera at Sam and took a picture. The lighting was soft and the cold made their breath appear in small clouds, who could resist that kind of background?  
“Sorry… I can delete it” just blurted out of his mouth.  
“I… it’s fine. As long as I don’t look like an idiot or have drool on my face…”  
“No, it’s really nice, see?” The warmth of Sam on his side was a nice contrast to the frosty air. 

“...well. I guess whatever rocks your boat…”  
Sam looked at least a bit happy with it. Gabriel was pretty sure there was a smile of some sort, or a fleeting smirk at least.  
“So… you want to get out of here? Escape the ladies and the stuffy profs?”  
“Oh...sure. Where do you wanna go?”  
“Well there’s this bar down town and they have great selection of beers…”  
“Okay” 

“Great, I can drive!”  
“Right. Of course you have a car. You have a real job and everything…”  
“Yes, and it is a shitty hatchback, six years old”  
“Well that makes me feel loads better.”  
And that earned Gabriel a smile. Which was a good start for the evening. They sat in Gabriel’s car and Gabriel had to laugh when Sam’s head hit the door frame.  
“You okay?”  
“Yeah, happens all the time”  
“I bet”

“Are you done with flirting? You know we can move this to the logical end”  
Gabriel looked at Sam. The man was smiling at him. So it was unlikely Sam wanted to just drop him off at home… or dorm? Or something.  
“Pray tell, what is this ‘logical end’?”  
“Let’s face it, this is how the evening is going to go; we have a few drinks, you will flirt, I will flirt. It’s gonna be cute and then get all kinds of heavy. You will hint at getting somewhere more private, I will smile and agree. Depending on the proximity of the bar, we will go to my place or yours. Since this is not our first rodeo, we will skip the awkward ‘do you want a drink?’ and proceed getting off.”

Well that was an accurate, and extremely confident, description.  
“Well… uh… you got me there.”  
“Mind skipping the bar bit? I have a project to finish tomorrow and could skip the hangover.”  
Wow. This was unexpected. Did skipping the flirting take something away from the whole thing? This obviously was a one night stand or booty call or something. And obviously not the first one Sam had taken part in. But this was a rare occasion when Gabriel was completely ordered around and dominated. And to be honest, he was into it.  
“Well Sammy, whose place is closest?”  
“You’re up for it?”  
“Yeah. Yeah, I am. So, where do I drive?”  
Sam seemed very pleased and smirky.  
“My place is closer and you can park on the street.”

The ride was short and filled with devilish glances from Sam. The man must be horny as hell. The climb to the second floor was fast and Gabriel hardly had the time to take in the tidy apartment before he was pushed onto a bed and covered by Sam.

“You are adorable, you know that”  
“I resent that, I am like seven years older than you. I can’t be adorable”  
“What? You want to be called ravishingly handsome? That is a mouth full. And I’d rather have my mouth full of something else.”  
And thus began the most exquisite blowjob of Gabriel’s life thus far. It was a surprise he wasn’t used to. It was usually Gabriel going down on the guy he was later going to fuck. But damn, it felt awesome to have the big and tall between his legs, spreading saliva everywhere. Shit, was he going to bottom tonight? Gabriel wasn’t prepared. Again. This could get awkward.  
“Ah… Sammy…. Jesus…. God….”  
There was an indecent slurping sound and the sweetest “You got it right the first time. What’s up?”. And that shit eating grin made Gabriel feel out of his element. Was he too used to being the dominant one in the bedroom? Had he ever been anything but the one calling all the shots?

“How do you imagine this is going to play out, Sam?”  
“Well, I was planning to blow you and you could return the favor, if that’s not out of your sexual realm. Honestly, that’s as far as I got in my head”  
“Okay… reasonable. And just to be clear, no butt stuff?” Of course Gabriel had to ask. And make it awkward.  
“Is that some sort of no-no for you? This came up last time too.”  
“No. It’s just something I need a bit of a warning for. You know…. prepping and stuff…”  
“Oh I know. And you would know if I wanted to fuck you through the mattress. Hell, the neighbours would know. And you wouldn’t be able to take me without excessive preparation anyway.”  
“What do you mean by that? It’s not that big, no offense”  
Sam gave Gabriel a ‘you know nothing, poor thing’ -look. And the last time he had seen that look was eight years ago when….  
“No! I am not a virgin! I am 28 years old and have done things! Just not in a long while…”  
“Good to know. Mind if I get back to it?”  
“By all mea--- Jesus Christ!” The suction was stronger than expected and Gabriel might have been fearful for his genitals if it didn’t feel so bloody amazing. He came when Sam tugged at his balls while holding his hip down. Multi tasking was a marvelous thing. 

The payback was also a great thing. Although Gabriel had to retract his comment on the size of Sam’s dick. It was a bit larger when he was up close and personal with it. And the manscaping did bring it out too. The boy had some stuff done down there since the last time. Deepthroating was Gabriel’s number one skill in getting his partners to relax and ease his later entrance to the fun parts. But this time he had already come spectacularly and didn’t have any distracting horniness to deal with. It turned out he could concentrate on really bringing his A-game and he had Sam gasping and grabbing his hair in no time. The flood of semen was familiar enough. Nothing new there. Now what?

“You gonna stay? I have enough breakfast stuff…”  
That sounded hopeful. And Gabriel was tired. He should start on the editing, but the state of relaxation he was currently in would be ruined.  
“If that’s okay? I have a few things I need to do tomorrow, but nothing in the morning…”  
“Hey, fair is fair. I crowded your bed last week. Shower?”  
“Yeah, sounds good. Wanna share?”  
“Why the hell not. It’s big enough unlike yours…”  
“Hey, my shower is plenty big for normal sized humans”  
“Mine is big enough for two people and all kinds of activities. My shower wins”  
Well, that was a good point. The shower was very roomy. There was even a small ledge to sit on. The glass door seemed sturdy enough to lean on too. Definitely a shower for all kinds of action. Gabriel turned his back on Sam to get his hair wet and there was a gentle hand on his shoulder. 

“This is a cool tattoo… these are wings, right?”  
Gabriel had his pride and joy tattooed on his back. The large wings had been worth all the pain. No cute shoulder tattoos or small fluffy cherub wings at the back of his neck. The feathers were messy and lifelike. The whole thing spanned from one shoulder blade to the other.  
“Yeah. Art school was great fun. I think half of the graduating class got inked by this guy, who had a real talent with the needle.”  
“Nice work. It hurt right?”  
“A bit. But you get numb to it after a while. And I might have been a bit tipsy.” It had been a long process too. And he might have teared up at first, but Sam didn't need to know that. 

Gabriel turned around and took a moment to appreciate the visible muscles on Sam’s chest.  
“You work out?”  
“Some”  
“Looks like a lot”  
“Well I also don’t own a car. Tends to have an effect on the amount of exercise I get daily”  
“Damn, maybe I should ditch the car…. Nah. Too lazy.”  
Deciding he was clean enough, Gabriel wrapped himself in a towel and made his way back to the bedroom. Damn the towel was gigantic.  
“Dude, even your towels are ridiculously large! Do you need everything tailor made?”  
“I use beach towels. I’m not made of money, you know.”  
Right. That would make sense. Student and all that. 

“What do you study? If you don’t mind me asking”  
“Finishing pre-law and heading to law school next year” And that was delivered as if it was no big deal while Sam was drying his hair into another massive towel.  
“Seriously? Man, you are slumming it with me”  
“What? No. You have a real job as a photographer.”  
“But I just have a BA and a minor in media studies. You are headed to a fancy school to learn how the judicial system works. Good for you by the way”  
“Thanks…”  
“And just so you know, this makes you even sexier to me. If I could get it up this soon after… you know… I would ravish you against the wall”  
“You are too short to do anything to me against a wall”  
“Use your imagination. I wasn’t thinking of fucking you against the Nirvana poster”

They made it to the bed and Gabriel boldly slid between the sheets in his boxers and t-shirt. Sam seemed to hesitate for a moment before putting a t-shirt on. Maybe he was used to sleeping naked? Gabriel wouldn’t mind that. He was too tired to really bring it up though. 

Waking up next to Sam was quite pleasurable. Morning wood was put to good use again. And he had no regrets even if the underwear was unwearable after getting all that spunk on it. And he had tried to be careful. But that was a pipedream with Sam rubbing their erections together in his gigantic palm. It wasn’t the first time he had done the walk of shame in commando. 

They had scrambled eggs for breakfast.  
“Didn’t know students had the presence of mind to actually cook. I don’t think I ever even stepped into a kitchen”  
“Well I fed myself long before starting college. And it’s not like this is fancy. It’s just eggs, Gabriel”  
“Guess what I have for breakfast? Coffee and poptarts. So yeah, this is fancy”  
“Jesus Christ, how are you not malnourished? You know those things will kill you slowly.”  
They ate in companionable silence and when Gabriel made his move towards the door, he couldn’t resist slipping one of his cards to Sam.  
“Just incase you want to… I don’t know. ‘Skip flirting’ with me and make sure my nutrition is sufficient…”

Only as Gabriel was sitting in his car did he have the presence of mind to think on what just happened. He had a second sleepover with his one night stand. Which meant it wasn’t a one night stand. Was this one of those friends with benefits deals? He didn’t even have Sam’s number, he just handed his over. Like an overtly confident asshole. At least he had that interesting photo from last night. Proof of the magnificent creature's existence. And something he could reference later, when Sam forgot all about him and trashed his card. So probably ten minutes from now.


	3. Chapter 3

The picture Gabriel had taken of Sam was intriguing. It was not really material for his spank bank. No-one masturbated to Monalisa. By blurring the unflattering parked cars and keeping everything black and white gave the main subject more weight. It was like Sam had planned to look at the stars, but kept his eyes closed. Introspective. The official portrait for the honor society looked fake next to that picture. Editing was luckily minimal for that job. The lighting in that place had been great. 

Switching to the more frustrating wedding photos after lunch seemed like a punishment. At least the customers were paying the extra for him to get it done. Sending the first samples to the couple right as they had returned from a hopefully relaxing honeymoon was always the best bet. You would get a review from a person in love. It was more likely to be critical of everything when the person in love was faced with going back to work or receiving the first credit card bills after the wedding. Wrapping up early on a Friday was always a treat. Gabriel headed out of the studio and into the crisp early March air just in time to still enjoy a reasonable amount of daylight. 

He was just about to grab a pizza to go for dinner when his phone pinged at a text message.  
‘Do you want to go out? -Sam’  
Huh. Interesting. It was a few weeks after their romp at Sam’s apartment. Maybe he had been busy with school. Or maybe Gabriel was the last name on his list of booty calls. Which was completely fine with him. They had a few fun nights together and none of that head over heels lovey dovey stuff going on. Not that there couldn’t have been. Gabriel was quite taken with Sam’s way of dealing with him.

‘Fancy hearing from you. What did you have in mind?’   
‘Dinner and a movie? -Sam’  
‘What is this? A date? ;)’  
‘Yeah -Sam’  
Oh. So that was not what he expected. Not a booty call. Or maybe a veiled booty call?  
‘I’m game. When did you plan on sweeping me off my feet?’  
‘6pm tonight? -Sam’  
‘Doesn’t leave much time for a gal to get ready’  
‘I was under the impression that you were a man. -Sam’  
‘Touche. See you in an hour. You are picking me up. I am not that easy’  
‘I will give you a piggyback ride to the movie theater.’

Well that was… What ever that was, was adorable. It had been a while since Gabriel had been on an adorable date. Trying to dress to look younger and trying not to look like an idiot was difficult and Gabriel ended up looking preppier than he liked. But the crap he wore to the engagement shoots last month were clean and did not include leather or band shirts, which suddenly felt inappropriate. It had been a while since Gabriel had been on an actual date.   
)---(

Standing around in front of his building felt stupid. Sam better be on time. His neighbour had asked if Gabriel was locked out of his apartment already.   
“Hey!”  
Well why did Sam have to look so tasty in a parka? The scarf made him look soft around the edges, kind of non-threatening version of the adonis Gabriel knew was under there.   
“Ready to go then? Wanna take my car?”  
“Sure. Although the offer still stands. I can definitely carry you the four miles, no problem.”  
“Hey I am denser than I look, Sammy.”  
“I work out a lot. I have run a marathon. I can drag your skinny ass to the next state if you don’t manage to kick me in the head”  
“Well let’s not see how that would work out. I don’t feel like getting dropped on my head in the snow. My car’s right around the corner.”

Gabriel was driving the icy road and took advantage of the reduced tension of them both facing the same direction instead of at each other.  
“So… why did you want to go on a date? Not that I’m not into this. Obviously I am very much interested in seeing where this goes. But this hasn’t been your usual mode of operation.”  
“Well… I’ve been thinking recently and I like you. And realized I was being an idiot not seeing where this could go. And felt like an asshole for kinda just using you for sex and stuff…”  
“Hey, I distinctly remember being very much into all of that. Like all of it.”  
Stealing a glance at Sam at a red light to make sure he wasn’t joking just revealed an earnest looking man with an apologetic smile.  
“Yeah, but turning down drinks to get to the sex was a douchebag move”  
“I thought it refreshingly honest”  
“Well consider this the apology for that anyway”  
“Okay, whatever floats your boat…”

Of course they saw a drama with beautiful cinematography. And Gabriel could not shut his mouth about it until he had a burger in front of him. Sam was smiling at him and just listening.  
“Sorry. Hazard of occupation. You have not gotten a word in and this is supposed to be a date”  
“Hey, this is completely fine. Isn’t it a purpose of this to get to know each other outside the bedroom. Good to know you are a total art nerd.”  
“I prefer the term enthusiast.”  
“Whatever makes you feel better about it, man.”  
“So now it’s your turn. What are you geeky about, what get’s you to nerdgasm?”  
“I’d say books. One reason I went into law. Tons of books, precision with language. That sort of stuff”  
“Well, seems like we both will be working with what we love. More profitable for you than for me, I would imagine”  
“Imagine the student loans though. Not the most fun part of all this.”  
“I bet. But at least you get to pay them off at a reasonable pace. Imagine doing that with a job where you make far less money.”  
“I guess that’s true. To the future debt and current debt! Raise your glass of cheap wine to the banks who will own our souls until we are fifty”  
It was interesting that things did not get dicey even when they were talking about money. Gabriel had never met anyone as confident and down to earth as Sam. Maybe he had gone for the artistic scumbags with explosive personalities, that ended up being a cover for extremely insecure people. This would be good for him. That is, if Sam was still interested.

The advantage Gabriel was glad for, was that they were in his car. Sam couldn’t at least escape into the night before something was established. While the whole date thing had been excellent and shown that Sam was willing to do maybe a relationship thing, the ‘wait-until-the-third-date’ -ship had sailed a while back. And Gabriel was in for a healthy adult evening. He had been wined and dined. Who would not get a little bit horny when a cute guy stretched after a dinner and showed off that little bit of skin between the jeans and shirt?

“So did you plan on ending this night traditionally with a kiss and a promise to call?”  
“Kind of… figured that’s how proper dates should end”  
“Well, I’ll take a page from your playbook: how about we go to my place and do something R-rated?“  
“Wouldn’t that undermine the whole real date thing?”  
“If we were 14, then probably”  
“You are saying I will get some hanky panky after the tamest cliche date in history?”  
“Sure.” There was nothing tame in the smile flashed at Gabriel.   
“I thought you would want to make me beg or something after treating this thing how I did the last time”  
“I’m not a vindictive little shit”  
“Okay then”  
“Excellent”  
Parking on the street and almost forgetting to lock the car, because damn that ass…   
The elevator upstairs was slow on purpose. While Gabriel wanted to make a move against the metallic walls, an untimely interruption by Gladys from the third floor might ruin the mood for the rest of the night. Now grabbing that ass while opening the door was just sensible multitasking.

 

Somehow the whole date thing changed the atmosphere and Gabriel got gently placed on the bed instead of the aggressive pounce. The large hands caressed Gabriel’s sides before removing the top layer of pastel blue button-up. And this attention was suddenly making Gabriel uncomfortable. While the whole romantic thing was absolutely a delight, the prolonged attention on his body could turn out to be a bit too much. 

 

He was proud of his body as a whole. Even with the pudge in the middle. But having a quick bit of hanky panky never exposed one as much as this sort of slow exploration.  
“Hey…” A kiss distracted Gabriel for a moment until a hand started to take an interest on his belly.  
“Sam… We could move this along by getting your shirt out of the way….”  
“Nah… It’s your turn. You should be papered and-”  
“So what if I want you to still think I am kind of cool, and not you know… old and not… fit”  
“Oh come on, man! You’re under 30”  
“And I haven’t done the gym or a marathon ever… So we could both have more fun if this situation was reversed. So, please. Remove your shirt and let's move along....”  
“...wait, what? Gabriel? You don’t want to?”  
“No, no I really want to. I really do. I have lube and everything. I wore my nice underwear. It’s just embarrassing… my physique is really… compared to that…” Lying under Sam did not make Gabriel feel any more in control, especially with Sam’s hand still on his stomach.

The hand was moved at least. And it moved right next to his face to cup his cheek.   
“Gabriel, you are fine. I’ve seen you naked. You look fine.”  
“You’re out of my league.” And why did he say that?! To remind the hunk that this was a mistake on his part? This was self sabotage.  
“No I’m not. I’m all in your league, all the way in your bed. This is as in as I can be without taking our pants off.”  
Sam moved to his side and leaned in to stare at Gabriel. He lifted the undershirt off. Releasing a deep breath and trying to suck in his stomach just a little bit.   
“Just let me touch you. We can have some fun. I really like you and you look damn fine. So what do you say?”

Why was he making a big deal out of this? Gabriel himself had asked for this, for God's sake. Gabriel couldn’t detect an ounce of insincerity on Sam’s face. The boy might be blind or too horny to actually see what was going on in front of him. But there had been no complaints on the two previous nights and Sam had asked him out anyway. Gabriel should not be overanalyzing this so much.   
"And if it really bothers you, I can keep my hands busy in some other way..." And that smile was devilish. Okay, okay, that sounded more like the last time they had done this. Familiar ground.  
“I… I can get down with that… yeah.”   
The first few touches were tentative. Gabriel was carefully reading Sam’s every facial expression. The man seemed to really enjoy the whole thing. And by the time their pants were on the floor, Gabriel was convinced enough to start taking a more active role and finally reached for the lube. This little handjob would be a delightful mutual ending to a great evening. Surely his freakout was an anomaly. Maybe this more serious dating was a good thing. Maybe next time they could even have the lights on.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is turning into my personal porn-fest. I am sure other stuff will get on too, though. Just wait for it... Thank you for all the kudos. Hopefully I will get this one out in a timely manner.

Having a slightly younger lover… boyfriend? … whatever, was great fun. Sam had a way of making Gabriel feel like the best puppy of the show. The slight overreaction about his insecurities and self flagellation of the other night was not repeated on the next few ‘dates’. The more cliche the date, the wilder the bedroom got after. Which resulted them sitting chastely in a movie theater again on a Wednesday night for the date number four. Maybe there was an inappropriate hand placement by the end of the thing, but that was it. 

And Gabriel knew things were going to get all kinds of interesting and deep. He had prepared for it at least. It wasn’t such a long time since he had bottomed that he would have forgotten how to do all of that. One does not forget a second time, however long it had been since the incident. 

They were getting all kinds of intimate in Gabriel’s bed and Sam was starting to prepare for, what was by now the usual hand job.   
“Hey… We could… you know… You could fuck me”  
Damn, that sounded blunt. Less sexy than Gabriel had aimed for.  
“What?”  
“Don’t make me say it again. You heard me.”  
“I… you sure?”  
“Yeah… I… uh. Prepped and all that. Good to go”  
Please don’t make this even more awkward than it clearly is. And ‘good to go’?! Why did I say that?  
At least Sam seemed to get into the groove real fast. The clothes came off in an instant and there was some inventive tongue action on his dick. 

The fingers were a surprise Although, what was he thinking? Sam was a class act. Of course he would make sure Gabriel was ready. And whoa… long fingers. And where did he find extra lube? Did he bring some with him?  
“Wait, did you bring your own lube?”  
“A-ha…”  
“And how long have you been bringing it on the dates?”  
“I don’t know… kind of all the time…”  
Jesus. Okay. Flattering, overtly optimistic, or some sort of a boy scout thing? 

 

The breach was sudden and slightly uncomfortable. And then it just kept going and going. Gabriel had forgotten how intense this could be. At least it was slow.  
“You sure, you have done this before? You are really tense”  
“Hey, I’m sure. It was like six years ago… just rusty… gimme a minute…”

And boy did he get a minute. A ‘minute’ of Sam petting his side and carefully balancing over him. The man had biceps of steel. Gabriel felt like he was being patronized on some level. But seriously, he had done this before. It had been good. Oh, but he had been tipsy too. Quite tipsy. And now he could feel everything really clearly. It took probably more than a minute, but finally he was relaxed enough to allow Sam to move. Seeing the intense stare directed at him was kind of cool. As if Sam was trying to convince him to come. A change of angle a couple of times finally got the fireworks going. There was sweat dripping on his face from Sam’s hair. Addition of a hand to his dick made everything almost fall over the edge. And it made Gabriel chatty. 

“Jesus, like that… ah… harder… give it to me…”  
It was all breathy and seemed to encourage Sam. Or maybe Gabriel was just so close it amplified everything. Finally he couldn’t keep his eyes open and came all over his own stomach. Sam kept going and the little sparks just kept Gabriel on a high.   
“Yeah… give it to me. Give it to me hard, daddy…”  
Suddenly something was wrong. Sam had frozen on the spot and gone a bit pale. 

 

“Hey, you okay?”  
He didn’t get an answer. At least a verbal one. Sam had obviously gone soft and carefully slipped out of him and discarded the condom over the side of the bed. All Gabriel could see was his back as he sat on the edge of the bed.   
“...please don’t call me that…”  
“What?”  
“What you just called me.”  
“Daddy? Okay. Won’t happen again. Are you sure you’re okay?”  
“Yeah. Just not in the mood anymore. Sorry…”  
“Hey, I feel like shit for getting my jollies off and then obviously just upsetting you and not delivering so to speak. Usually the top at least gets to cum their brains out”  
“It really isn’t your fault”  
“You wanna talk about it? If not, I totally understand.”

Maybe a past lover had forever reserved that pet name for Sam? Or maybe there were some more serious triggered. God, Gabriel hoped it was the former.   
Of course Sam finally utters “...my dad was an asshole”, and Gabriel tenses up and feels like he might puke. Did he just remind Sam of getting molested?   
“I… I shouldn’t feel like this. He didn’t do anything to me”  
Well that was confusing. Maybe they should be dressed for this sort of thing. Gabriel scooted to sit next to Sam, close enough to see the gooseflesh on his arms.  
“Hey, do you want to take a shower? And maybe get dressed? You look chilled”  
“...sure, yeah”  
And this gave Gabriel some time to gain his footing. This had never happened to him. Sure there had probably been some hangups on both sides in the past. He had topped a guy who in the morning had panicked and claimed he was super straight. There had been a guy who would only have it doggy-style. It had never been something that would stop the fun from being had.

The shower stopped and Sam emerged with red cheeks and hunched shoulders. Gabriel wasn’t ready for this. “Just give me a minute. Get under the covers. Or not. Just please don’t leave…”  
He got a slight nod from Sam and went for the fastest shower in history. Just enough to get the spunk and most of the lube off him. Grabbing a clean pair of underwear, he located Sam still sitting on the bed, wrapped in a towel.

“Do you want to borrow some underwear?”  
“Huh? Sure, if you have something that fits”  
Of course the stuff that fit was the silly stuff. The boxers with lollipop print and the orange t-shirt Gabriel had gotten for free in college for some sort of event with ‘volunteer’ printed on the back.  
“Sorry for the clothes.”  
“No, they are fine.”  
“Can’t believe I still have that shirt. It must be close to seven years old”  
And in the following silence, Gabriel just waited. Usually people who wanted to talk, did so when they felt comfortable. And sometimes silence gave just the right kind of pressure to get someone hesitant to talk. He did this sometimes with customers, who were timid or afraid he would judge their wishes. 

“Sorry about the freak out”  
“Hey, not your fault. I get overly excited sometimes”  
“It really has nothing to do with you. It’s something I should be able to forget by now. It was so long ago”  
How long could that be? Sam was barely in his twenties.   
“Hey, I’m not judging. I’m still mad at my brother for leaving for college on the other side of the planet 20 years ago” UK was on the other side of the world when he was ten.  
“Yeah, I wish mine had done that too.”  
Jesus Christ, what did Sam’s brother have to do with this? Gabriel could come up with so many sick situations he was starting to get a bit apprehensive about hearing any of it.  
“I could hear him say ‘not so hard, daddy’. I was four, he was eight. I never knew how bad it was until he showed up to pick me up from soccer practice in middle school. He had a black eye and his eyes were red”

Sam did that thing he had done at the parking lot where Gabriel had taken the Mona Lisa picture. Eyes closed and head bent back to take a look at Gabriel’s ceiling. Some sort of stress relieving technique possibly.  
“It got really bad in the end. Dean had bruises every week and when I tried to confront dad, Dean would drag me to my room and just lock me in. I know he was doing it for me, but it made me feel like shit.” The grim smile on Sam’s face was scary.   
“ Finally, on my high school graduation day... I think Dean was working at an auto shop the next town over… he just didn’t come home. Dad was really mad. When Dean didn’t show up the next day, dad burned all his stuff. Posters and clothes… I was so relieved.”  
Gabriel could only take a deep breath. What was he supposed to say? Sam looked at him expectantly.  
“Well… Definitely will not use the d-word again…”  
“Yeah… sorry”  
“Hey, I am not into that kind of stuff really. Just thought it would be sexy or what ever. Obviously got that wrong. And now I feel like shit for getting my jollies and leaving you with a trauma. I owe you like twenty BJ’s for this stunt…” Sam disrupted Gabriel’s rant and made him realize he had in fact been babbling on and on. Talk about being rude. It wasn’t his time to make it all about himself.  
“No, no… man that’s fine. It’s not your fault. Although I am not against your generous offer.”  
At least Sam was kind of smiling.   
“I mean, this is heavy and we have only been dating for under a month. Should I bring something equally heavy to the table? I’m not sure I have anything. Such a pampered little shit…”  
“Jesus, no. I’m glad the worst you had was a brother who abandoned you”

How did Sam grow up to be such a great guy? Studying to become a lawyer. And why hadn’t Gabriel turned out better? He had a loving family and support to pursue anything he wanted. To break the awkward pause, Gabriel hugged Sam. And it was not one of those bro hugs. Maybe it was more for Gabriel than Sam. He should have washed the damn volunteer t-shirt. It felt a bit rough against his cheek. 

 

“Do you still want to stay over? I totally understand if you need some space”  
“Yeah, I wanna stay over.”  
Sam still looked uncomfortable and sad. Well, who wouldn’t. And sometimes Gabriel would catch him with that sorrowful face at the movies or in a restaurant. There was nothing he could say, that he could think of. It was weird to just go to sleep with Sam, instead of passing out from a grade A fuckfest.

Waking up to find the giant just staring at him was disconcerting.   
“Hey…” That voice was deep and scratchy in the sexy way. And there was a small smile on Sam’s face. As if last night hadn’t been a total disaster, or at least a horrible way to end a nice date and a hanky-panky.   
“Hey… Did you sleep okay? I know I was out like a light as usual after an awesome orgasm, and you didn’t get to-”  
“Oh I am prepared to catch up on that one. You up for a re-run?”

Oh, the smirk was devilish, and there was no way Gabriel would say no to Sam, whose finger was circling his hole slowly.   
“I could be persuaded… Holy shit… when did you get that lube?”  
“We established lube is part of the standard gear on me”  
“Ri-IIGHT! Okay! Okay, you are going there with gusto…” There was probably two knuckles worth of a middle finger up Gabriel’s ass.  
“I can stop, if you want me to”  
“Don’t make threats in my bedroom”  
And thus commenced a delicious bout of morning sex. There was no danger of Gabriel fucking this up. Because he couldn’t form proper words. Being sensitive from the night before was countered by a slow, deep fucking. And this time Gabriel got to see how Sam’s nose scrunched and he bit his lip, closing his eyes when he came.

The mood was weirdly hazy afterwards. The morning light filtered through the blinds and created almost too photogenic environment with everything seeming soft and dreamy. Fiddling with his smaller camera at the breakfast table resulted in photos of Sam in the most relaxed state he had been in apart from post-orgasmic bliss. And shirtless. A bonus to be appreciated during the following week. Even if the frames looked like something from a cheesy commercial, Gabriel liked them. 

When Sam left, their goodbye kiss was unbelievably soft and reminiscent of every high school date ever. And for the rest of the morning Gabriel was happily editing photos in his little home office. Only in the evening, when he was supposed to get back to bed, Gabriel thought about the peculiar contrast between the depressing crap from last night and the morning’s romantic fluff.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally found the time to continue this... sorry for the extended hiatus...

The phone call from Sam was a slight surprise the next Friday.   
“Sorry, can’t make it tonight. Dean is here”  
“Jesus! Your brother?”  
“Yeah… He called and said he’s in town. Don’t know how he found me”  
“This is good right?”  
“Maybe…”

For some reason the early afternoon phone call from the maybe-boyfriend made Gabriel nervous. He had only gotten a glimpse at the emotional landmines around Sam’s brother. Trying to not text and/or call after work got nearly overwhelming. Just thinking of teenaged Sam listening in on his dad abuse his big brother. He didn’t want to think what sort of abuse it would have been. His imagination helpfully supplied the worst case to play behind Gabriel’s eyelids. There were only bad things ‘not so hard, daddy’ could be connected to. At least he didn’t know what Dean looked like. It was grim enough to get the visual of Sam listening in.   
The evening found him with a pint of ice cream and a rerun of an eighties sitcom. Ironically there was a line with ‘daddy’ in it. And when did that become his trigger? He could no longer resist giving a call to Sam. At least he answered and the third ring.

“Hey, Sammy! How’s it going?”  
“Uh… okay. Sorry I had to ditch you…”  
“Am I disturbing you? I mean, I can call tomorrow or something”  
“No! No, this is good…”  
It sounded like Sam really wanted to talk with him. Even with a faint ‘who’s that?’ from the background.  
“Is your brother still there?”  
“Yeah…”  
“Feeling awkward then?”  
“...yeah.”  
“I’m sure you’re doing okay…”

Now he could hear the brother’s voice more clearly. ‘Sammy, is that your date? Come on, let me have a go.’ There was a sound of shuffling and an obvious fight over the phone. He would love to still have those fights with his brother… And obviously Dean won the battle, as the unfamiliar voice took over.  
“So who am I talking to? Slumming for this handsome bastard must be a real treat for him to get all shy”  
“Well, I think he’s the one slumming”. There was a silence. 

Gabriel was sure his tone had been jovial and appropriate for the situation. ‘Dude… Sammy, what… You dating a dude?!’ The silence at the end of the line was oppressive even through the phone. ‘You… Did dad…?’ And the connection went off.   
Holy shit. He just outed Sam to his brother. That was a douchebag move even if there was no way of Gabriel knowing Sam wasn’t out to his long lost brother. And now the poor guy was getting interrogated by his big bro in the worst possible way. Gabriel stared at his phone and then the pint of ice cream. It wasn’t like he could out Sam more by going there. To interfere or defend or something. And there was no way Gabriel would stop thinking of the situation. He would not sleep anyway. So he had grabbed a jacket and gotten into sneakers before he remembered to grab the car keys. 

The drive to Sam’s little place got his hands sweaty. Rewinding the brother’s words as he ran up the stairs distracted Gabriel and he only noticed how hard he was breathing after knocking on the door. Sam looked scared. No way around it, the kid was terrified.   
“Hey…. I- figured… let me catch my breath…. Jesus… should have done some exercising before taking up those stairs…”  
“Who is it, Sammy? You are not getting out of this conversation by stealthily ordering…. oh”  
“Dean…” Sam obviously moved to get between him and Dean.  
Gabriel finally found his voice.  
“Gabriel. We talked on the phone shortly. Hi”  
“Uh… hi” There. Getting the brother to shut it for a minute was all he needed. Sam needed a break. And it was Gabriel’s fault this had gone down now.   
“Hey, Sam, are you okay? I swear I didn’t know. I wouldn’t have said anything, if I’d known. I’m sorry…”  
“...it’s okay.” Oh boy, Sam was trying to make himself smaller now. A contrast to his previous protective stance. Maybe he now noticed Gabriel could take care of himself and silence his brother. He was curling towards Gabriel for protection maybe. God knows it must have been emotional, since Dean was almost as big and tall as Sam.   
“Hey… so this is your…?” Dean seemed awkward instead of angry. Gabriel’s best defense apparently was bringing the awkward. Well, at least it might have helped.   
“Yeah, hi! I am the uh… boyfriend.”  
“...ah...the brother”  
“So I’ve heard.”

Sam seemed to get with the flow and straightened his back.  
“Dean. This is… yeah. Boyfriend… Gabriel”  
“Dude… Why didn’t you… Shit. Of course you didn’t, I wasn’t there…”  
“Yeah. I think I always was… Nothing happened when I was still living with dad”  
“I know. I was there too. You were working so hard in school… I would have thought… You must have known what was going on at home. I would have thought…” Oh shit. Well that was one nightmare confirmed. Gabriel shuffled closer to Sam just in case he would faint or vomit. Maybe he was not supposed to be here… this was way personal.  
“Yeah… I had an idea. And I didn’t do anything… not then, but college is… you know…”  
“Yeah, seems so” Dean glanced at Gabriel with that comment.  
“I can head out, Sam, if you guys want to hash this out privately”  
The look on Sam’s face said ‘please no’ so loudly Gabriel almost heard it.  
“Or I can stay a while, which ever” Sam seemed relieved, so awkward evening it would be. 

They ended up on the beat up couch with beers. They all drunk silently, at the same time. It would have been funny, if Gabriel was looking at it from the outside. As it was, he cleared his throat and initiated an inane conversation.  
“So where have you been the past years, Dean?”  
“Around. Mainly in Kansas. You remember uncle Bobby, right Sammy?”  
“He’s not really related to us”  
“I know. But he was always nice to us. And I kept in touch with him every now and then… and when it was time to… leave, I went there and worked for him until I could start my own thing… garage… classic cars”  
“Like you always wanted”  
“Yeah. Figured you would be fine. Saw the full- ride stipend letter the morning of your graduation. You were going to leave in a month. And I just couldn’t…”  
God… this was awful. Gabriel didn’t know if he should feel more sorry for Dean or Sam.   
“I’m not mad. I knew you were better off going. Just… missed you sometimes.”  
“Sorry... “

Gabriel just kept drinking his beer. What a way to get acquainted with your boyfriends traumatic history.   
“So this is your boyfriend?”  
“Yeah… we… two months”  
“So this is a good time to give the ‘break his heart and I will break your arms and legs’?”  
“Yeah, I guess… right Sam?”  
Sam shrugged and blushed. Maybe there was a smile somewhere.   
“So… what I said. We cool?”  
“Yep. Understood”  
Dean seemed to be good with Gabriel, given the first impression. The conversation turned into more normal topics. Sam’s college semester, Dean’s garage, even Gabriel’s job. Gabriel sat right at Sam’s side and could feel him start to relax by the end of the evening.   
“Well, I should head out and leave you guys to it. Sam, let me know when we’re going out next. Dean, it was a pleasure”  
Sam looked a bit worried, but walked Gabriel to the door.   
“Sorry you had to come all the way here”  
“Hey, it’s not a problem. Sorry for outing you to Dean. It really wasn’t my place”  
“Not your fault. And he seems to be fine with it. It was good to have you here, thanks”  
Gabriel kissed Sam and set towards home.

The following week was silence from Sam apart from some texts letting him know what he was doing with Dean, or an occasional ‘good night’. It was to be expected they would have less time together with Sam’s finals rolling up the following week too. Just to be a good boyfriend, Gabriel brought snacks to Sam’s apartment in the evening on Wednesday. He went to use the restroom and when he got back he found Sam asleep in the kitchen over his notes. The fluorescent light cast shadows over Sam’s face, half covered with hair and just a bit of stubble. Gabriel couldn’t resist taking a quick photo on his phone. Not ideal, but it didn’t have to be. It was cute.  
“Hey… Might want to move to the bedroom now. You have to make it to your exam in the morning”  
“Yeah… sorry…”  
“You’re working hard. Makes you sexy. Come on. Let me tuck you in”  
Sam’s bedroom was taken over by books and notes too. Gabriel knew he couldn’t stay. But there was something in Sam’s face. Like he almost wanted to say something. By the time he was back in his own bed, Gabriel still thought it might have been worthwhile to lay down in Sam’s bed for a while just to see if he would have said something.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be aware this contains disturbing imagery and a suicide attempt. Do not read if you think it might trigger you. Angst is heavy in this one.

The day Sam’s finals ended, they had a blast. The night was filled with massive fish bowls of alcohol and the senseless ‘we-are-awesome’ pats on the back and inordinate number of high fives. Gabriel stood in the sidelines. It wouldn’t do to out Sam to even more people than he already had. After Dean had left a month or so back, Gabriel had spent a bit of time making up for his slip-up. This involved keeping his mouth shut and giving Sam some space, even if all he really wanted to do was take him to elaborate brunches where he would hand-feed Sam treats and introduce him as the boyfriend to absolutely everyone.

The walk back to Sam’s place was quiet and there was inordinate amount of sexual tension between them. There was something to be said about having to wait until the wee hours of morning to get his hands on Sam. They ended up straight up fucking in the kitchen in a non-polite way. Gabriel had to brace himself on the countertop and he was patting himself on the back for starting to go to a gym since the whole stair debacle when Dean visited. He was going to feel this one for a while.   
It was sexy and primal: big hands on his hip and shoulder making sure each thrust went all the way and deep grunts in his ear, he might have moaned as if making a porn for the blind. It felt like Sam’s final thrust hit him somewhere near the lungs. An arm pulled him upright and settled across his throat, while another hand squeezed an orgasm out of him. Gabriel felt like fainting at the end. It was so good and filthy and just what he needed every now and then. Sam seemed to be similarly exhausted and just dragged Gabriel to the bedroom in as-is condition. 

The morning was normal with a healthy breakfast. A sweet kiss on the way out helped Gabriel get to the work without the constant soundtrack of Sam’s grunts that had been re-playing in his head after making eye contact with the kitchen counter again. The following days were busy for him with graduation photos and what not. The same vacant smile and barely veiled panic in the eyes of the gown wearing people made the editing a somewhat macabre affair. Gabriel wanted to attach a note of ‘Hey kid, you’re gonna be fine. Suck it up and get a crappy first job’.

He didn’t hear from Sam much during the week. The kid deserved his break after the grueling exams and surviving a difficult semester with a law school offer in his pocket by the end of it. He was probably just sleeping it all off, since every time Gabriel called Sam seemed to be a bit groggy or was still in bed. Finally, after a Friday afternoon shoot with the last graduate and confirming the next week’s schedule, Gabriel made his way to Sam’s apartment. 

“Hey Sammy! How’s life after graduation?”  
“Yeah, it’s okay. Getting some sleep in. Catching on some TV. Nothing too exciting.”  
And the place did indeed show that was probably all Sam had been doing. Not excessively filthy, just unkempt. Clothes here and there, and unlike the previous times Gabriel had shown up, Sam didn’t seem to be bothered by the mess.  
“So what would you like to do? I am all yours until Monday morning.”  
“Don’t know. Kinda tired. Mind if we just watch some TV?”  
“Sure. What have you been working your way through? Nothing too intellectual like physics documentary or something I hope?”  
“Nah… Just random stuff. Nature documentaries, old movies.”  
“Ah! And your ‘old’ movies might be something I saw in college. If you call them old, you’re calling me old”  
There was a small smile there. The guy must have been tired. They ended up side by side on the sofa with beers and graduated to the shitty whiskey Sam had at hand. It was a bro night for sure and by the end of it they were shouting at a horror movie so bad that it could have been made by grade school drop-outs.   
“Wanna fool around like the teens in that movie?”  
“Sorry Gabe, I think I’m too tired and too drunk to get it up…”  
“Hey no worries, I’m beat too. And too drunk to drive. Mind if I camp here?”  
“Sure. Kinda expected that by now”  
“Yeah. We are kinda like a couple or something. With your brother’s blessing even. Or as close as a blessing I can get considering the situation”  
“I know. He seems to be okay with it though. Weird...”

It wasn’t weird unless you took into account the train wreck of a history the brothers had. By now Gabriel had his designated toothbrush in the bathroom cabinet and knew which side to crawl in the bed to in the darkness. 

Staying at Sam’s overnight had probably been a good idea. Even if the sofa was not the best. Gabriel couldn’t remember falling asleep. But obviously it had happened since someone had put a blanket on him. The light was not on in the apartment. Gabriel made his way to the kitchen to get some water. He didn’t want to wake Sam up and tried to shuffle quietly with his socks sliding on the hardwood floors in the pitch black apartment. He would have to get the info on those curtains. Some serious light blockage would be handy in his bedroom during the god awful early morning light that seemed to drill through his eyelids during the summer.  
Opening the fridge gave enough light for Gabriel to finally noticed Sam in the kitchen.

“Hey man, thought you were in bed.”  
Sam was actually sitting on the floor, his back against the cabinets.  
“You okay? Aren’t you cold down there?”  
Still there was no answer. Weird.  
“Are you asleep?” Sleepwalking would be hilarious.  
Gabriel got curious and turned on the lights.   
Sam’s face, where visible from under the curtain of hair, was visibly wet with tears.   
“Hey, what happened? Are you okay? Sammy...”  
There was blood on the floor.  
“Did you break a glass? Let me see-”

Sam’s breath wash hitched and he was shaking suddenly. Gabriel kneeled on the floor to get a better look. Glass was a bitch to get off if the pieces were small. He took Sam’s hand and turned it palm up. Interestingly the palm was pretty much fine. The blood was coming from his wrist. Correction. Both wrists. Shit. Time to panic? Gabriel didn’t feel panicked.  
“Sammy… We are going to go to the hospital now, okay.”  
“...’m sorry…”  
“It’s okay. Let’s wrap these a bit and put some shoes on. Maybe even pants. Wouldn’t want to give the ER staff a show. Might distract them”  
Getting sweats on Sam was a struggle, but doable. The towels taped over the wrists were not soaked with blood and the duct tape kept them tight. Interesting how those abstract mixed media art classes actually could be applied at 3am on Friday morning. It was warm enough night to get by with a long sleeve shirt and wrapping a blanket over Sam. He even drove following the speed limit and sitting at one traffic light for a few minutes with no other cars around.

The ER staff seemed calm, which helped Gabriel stay calm. And thank god he had picked Sam’s wallet with his driver’s license and insurance card. He stayed in the waiting area with the puking teens and parents with toddlers that seemed to have nothing wrong with them. Sam’s phone was locked, but Gabriel had seen him open it enough times to get the code right on the second try. Dean’s number was the third on a short list of contacts.

‘Sammy I love you, but why the hell are you getting me up at 5 am?’  
“Um… not Sam. Gabriel here… sorry”  
‘The fuck…? You better not ask for my blessing for marriage at this ungodly hour. I’m likely to say no’  
“It’s Sam… uh…”  
‘He dump you or what?’   
“No… We’re at the ER. He… I think he slit his wrists.”

‘By accident?’  
“I don’t think so… I don’t know what now… I… I drove him here. He… was so pale. And jesus… I don’t know what to do now… I didn’t pick a shirt for him. They asked if I was family and I didn’t have the presence of mind to lie. I think I accidentally filled in my info on half of the papers and…”  
‘Gabe, shit…. I’m three hours away. Can you please stay there, incase they release him or something? I can be there by 8. Earlier if the cops don’t pay too much attention.’  
“Yeah… of course. I’ll be here. They said it would be a while with the stitches… and consults… and tetanus shot? You know if Sammy had that recently?”  
‘No idea… I am in my car, dude. Call as soon as they tell you anything. And tell Sammy I’ll be there!’  
“Yeah… okay”

The sunrise through the waiting room windows seemed paler than normal. And it was suddenly cold. he wrapped into the blanket that he had over Sam on the way to the ER. It was a long wait and he could not sleep and the shitty coffee from the vending machine didn’t help that situation at all. The nurses had no news at 6:30 am or 7am. The magazines were from thet early 2000 and he could not concentrate on how to 'satisfy your man' or what was 'the must-have fall accessory'. It was only after Dean’s sweaty hands held onto his shoulders and demanded to know what happened, that Gabriel started to cry. Repeating ‘sorry’ when he had enough breath to spare for talking seemed to be the only thing he could contribute at 7:36 am.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally getting back to this one. Thank you for all the patience!

Dean was allowed to go see Sam sometime around 9am. Gabriel was too tired to show any interest in the goings and comings of the ER until Dean got back.  
“Okay, so they are going to keep Sammy for 72 hour psych eval… Gabriel? Gabriel?”  
“okay…”  
“Do you need a ride home?”  
“I have my car”  
“Dude.... Don’t take this the wrong way, but you are not fit to drive”  
And if Gabriel had been in any other situation, these would have been fighting words. He was just so tired. And didn’t feel too good either.  
“You’re probably right…”  
“Come on. I’ll give you a ride.”

He was just numb and stared at the passing scenery while Dean drove.  
“Hey, where do you live? Gabriel? Gabe?”  
“Uh… just two blocks down…”  
Dean parked the car. Or he must have. Next thing Gabriel was conscious of was Dean’s hand in his coat pocket fishing the keys out. Gabriel dropped his coat in a pile and slumped on the couch. He felt empty. It was peculiar. It felt like night time, but it was light outside.   
“Will you be okay, dude?”  
“What…?”

“Jesus… you haven’t heard a word I’ve said, have you?”  
What the hell was he supposed to answer? Dean seemed to already know.  
“Okay. Dude. Gabriel. This had nothing to do with you. Everything with our past.”  
“...I didn’t see it. I didn’t know…”  
“Sammy’s… He always played his cards so close to his vest. More like inside his vest. Take my word for it. If he didn’t want you to know, there was no way for you to have any idea.”  
“I think he might have wanted to say something a while back. And… god, he was so tired. I thought it was just the finals.”  
“Yeah. No. You wouldn’t have known. Did he tell you about when we were kids? How it was awful. Horrible.”  
“Some of it. I figured out the rest.”

“See, I knew something like this was bound to happen. My shrink warned me before I visited. I tried telling Sam then. I guess he wasn’t ready to hear it.”  
Gabriel was too exhausted to really cry. He was leaking though, and the collar of his T-shirt was soaked.  
“I had to get my stomach pumped last year. Pills are not just the teenage girl’s way to go.”  
Gabriel just stared at Dean. Unbelievable. The guy was talking about it like it was normal. Like some family thing.  
“Bobby, the guy who I lived with after… He got home earlier than I expected.”  
“I’m sorry” What else could Gabriel really say?  
“Gabriel, this really has nothing to do with you. Really. It’s the fucked up history catching up with Sammy.”  
“What can I do?”  
“Let him figure this out. I needed help. From outsiders. And Sammy’s going to get that. I know someone really good. She is really good at this sort of thing. And please don’t take this the wrong way. I just need to take him with me for a while. Because honestly, this is a bit my fault”  
“No…”  
“I know. But I think I might have helped bringing it to the surface again. And I know how to deal with this now. Please let me”  
“Yeah, okay. I just… I really like him. He’s the best.”  
“I know” And Dean smiled at him warmly. 

Dean herded Gabriel to bed. And left to sleep in Sam’s apartment.  
It was torture. Next day on a shoot Gabriel worked mechanically. The engaged couple was cute. The photos were going to be Pinterest cute. Even without trying. They didn’t ask for anything extra or try to affect Gabriel’s decisions. When he shook the girl’s hand, her sleeve rode up and he got a glimpse of the scars. Gabriel didn’t hear anything the couple said and found himself suddenly kneeling on the sidewalk.  
“Man, are you alright?”  
“Yeah… Sorry. So sorry.”  
The couple looked worried. Like really worried.  
“I swear, I’m fine. It’s just. You’re okay right?” Gabriel asked the girl.  
“Oh. Yeah. It was a while back. I am so much better now”  
“I’m glad. Just… you’re happy, right?” Suddenly that was the most important thing for Gabriel to know.  
“Yeah. Very happy” And her smile was aimed at her fiancé. Gabriel tried to smile too. 

It was the day Sam got back from hospital when Gabriel next saw Dean. It was awkward as hell. Trying to talk with Sam while he was packing a duffel didn’t really work. They ended the interaction with a listless hug at the door. And Gabriel ended the night crying on his sofa with a half bottle of scotch.

Gabriel edited the Pinterest cute couple pictures the next week. It was painful and relaxing at the same time. He kept imagining Sam as happy as the girl was in the photos. It was possible. And Dean seemed to be okay too. Kind of. Well not really. But close enough. Gabriel understood that Sam needed to deal with this on his own. He texted every now and then. He even got replies half the time. They never mentioned that night though. It was just normal texting. ‘Dean has a huge scary dog’, ‘Saw that movie, wasn’t impressed’, ‘Dean is the worst cook ever’, ‘I miss you’. 

And Gabriel missed Sam. He ended up returning to every picture he had of Sam. Looking for clues for what happened in them was unhealthy. He knew that. He couldn’t help it though. The one at the parking lot after the awards thing was suddenly haunting. Was the smile in the photo from breakfast fake? The second half of the scotch bottle was not any more therapeutic than the first half.


	8. Chapter 8

‘I can’t do this to you’  
Sent to Gabriel at 4am on a Tuesday morning.  
The hangover from Sunday was still fresh in his mind. He felt like throwing up.

‘Why?’ seemed to be the only appropriate question.  
‘I can’t’  
‘That’s not an answer’

It was already noon when his phone showed any sign of life again.  
‘He had a rough day. First meeting with therapist’ from Dean.  
Okay. Gabriel can work with this. Maybe.  
Maybe they haven’t been together long enough to give him the implicit permission to interfere with Sam’s family time. But at least it gives him something to do. Putting together a ‘care package’ makes him feel stupid and useful at the same time. It would be damn much easier if he could pack a blow job and call it a day. At least that would be universally appreciated gift. It’s not like there is a category on Pinterest for ‘gifts to your depressed boyfriend’.

Dean is not eager to give the address to him.  
“Don’t worry. I’m not going to turn up at your door.”  
“You better not. He needs to handle this a bit on his own.”  
“I know. Just sending something”  
“Oh… okay… weirdo”  
The post office is a pain on a Tuesday. Every housewife in the 10 mile radius is returning their amazon packages and the oldest lady takes forever to choose the prettiest stamp for their granddaughter. He should have added a card. Or taken out the picture of them together. 

‘Thank you’  
It’s Friday. Gabriel is just about to leave for a wedding shoot. It is 6 am, how fucking early does the mail get delivered up there?  
‘When did you take the picture?’  
‘Obviously when you weren’t looking.’  
‘Funny’  
‘A month ago’  
When you still seemed happy, would be an accurate answer too.  
‘Where did you find the chocolate?’  
‘That place across optometrist and laundromat’  
‘You hate that place’  
‘You love it’  
‘Yeah. Thank you’

The wedding is boring. The bride is bored and her mother is running the show. The hag glows and it is clear whose wedding it really is. The group pictures are going to be grotesque. He feels so sorry for the bride. Arranging for a block of time to take just her and the groom aside for pictures is not difficult. Gabriel feels generous and vengeful. He takes exquisite shots of the couple and makes them have their cake in private with him taking pictures. After pretending to take five minutes to change film and leaving the couple alone, the smile on the bride was genuine. 

He deserved the six pack of beer and the shot of whiskey. Saturday morning could have been more pleasant without the last three whiskey shots. He should probably cut down on that. Gabriel’s weekends without Sam to keep him busy between shoots, were boring. So a bit of whiskey seemed to be the thing to keep him entertained and relaxed.  
After a sweltering June on his own, he had gone through two and a generous half of medium quality stuff. Damn. Not since college. 

It was Sunday and he yearned for a breakfast with real food in it worse than after the epic post-finals kegger. Speaking of college and too much to drink… Yep. Awkward texts in the middle of the night. Jesus… to Dean. Idiot. When did he get this predictable? Early 2000’s? The whole thing read like a depressing teen drama. From ‘How’s Sam? Is he going to be okay?’ and ‘He’s so pretty. He shouldn’t be so sad’, all the way to ‘It’s my fault’ and ‘Does he hate me?’.  
To add insult to injury, there were no answering texts. Only a voicemail. Who the hell doesn’t text? A short ‘fuck you, Gabriel’ would have been fine. Voicemails are the worst. You can’t even argue with them.  
“Gabe, dude. Go to AA, well that’s not probably helpful for you. Didn’t get that alcoholic vibe from you, man. Hell, triple A. Anyone. This has nothing to do with you. He’s lucky you were around when shit hit the fan. Really lucky. It would have gone down even without you. Who would have put that damn art installation on my brother’s wrists if not you.”  
Damn. 

At least he hadn’t texted Sam.


	9. Chapter 9

Work was getting busy again for family pictures. Annoying brats and stressed out mothers made a difficult target. So many fake smiles. Were Sam’s smiles fake? Going through the pictures he had the hundredth time. The smiles seemed real. There were few of them of late, but they were real.

Driving to the coast for a short hike with the camera was at first relaxing and turned into a vistful tour of spots he wanted to bring Sam. And take pictures of him. Finishing the evening reviewing the first picture of Sam he had taken. The one on the parking lot. It might be him projecting, but maybe something was already going sideways there. It was something in the posture. It was still a beautiful picture. He cried in the shower and went to bed.

Dean was right. Gabriel needed to process the whole thing. His salary did not cover shrinks though. Family would have to do. The least stressful sibling gallivanting in Europe left the most awkward and shy little brother. At least Cassie wouldn’t blab to anyone other than his dog. Emotional support animal if he ever saw one. Not in an official sense, but that animal was the only reason Cassie was able to meet him at the park.   
“Hey bro. And Brian”   
The only greeting he got was a wagging tail.  
“Gabriel. What did you need”  
“To talk. Heavy stuff.”  
“Okay. Not on the phone?”  
Of course Cassie would have preferred a call.  
“No.”  
“If you are dying, I am not dealing with telling everyone else”  
There was no panic or concern in that comment. Obviously Cassie had had a chance to think about it.

“No. I’m not dying. I have a boyfriend”  
“Okay. I was aware you were gay ten years ago.”   
That had been a hilarious conversation. ‘You’re my brother. Why would I be interested in your choice of sexual partners? It’s not like I would ever join in’ was the best comment that day.  
“I know.”  
“Are you sick?”   
“No” Thank god for that.   
“Are you actually going to talk?” Well, fuck.  
“It’s complicated”  
“If it helps, I don’t really care what you have done”  
“I didn’t do anything. And that’s a problem”  
Well that did not explain anything. Why was this so hard?

“Cassie, my boyfriend tried to kill himself”  
“Oh” Finally something Cassie was not prepared for. It was refreshing to see actual emotions on his brother’s face. It had been a while.  
“Yeah. Slit his wrists with a kitchen knife. He is okay now. And I didn’t see it coming.”  
“It’s not surprising” How did Cassie go back to the calm and collected analytical robot?  
“Because I’m such a clueless asshole?”  
“Maybe when he was with you it was easier.”  
Jesus. He was aware of Cassie’s down swings. They were worse when they were teenagers. Was this how Cassie had felt? Gabriel was glad in a twisted way that Cassie was how he was.  
“I don’t know. There were times when I almost asked if something was wrong”  
“And you think he would have answered honestly?” Yeah, not a chance.

They had coffee and talked about Gabriel’s work. Petting Brian did bring a sense of calm to the afternoon. Maybe Brian had really been a therapy dog or some sort of service dog before ending up at his brother’s side. Was Dean’s dog a therapy animal? Or just a therapeutic pet? Did Sam need a dog? Did Gabriel?

In the end photography was his outlet and art therapy was a thing. It was difficult to edit the old photos into something darker. No. It was actually easy. A bit too easy. It was difficult to see them in that specific light. Maybe making himself stare at the impending doom of past months for hours on end was therapeutic. He started to sleep better after finishing his little project.   
“Gabriel. These are… haunting”  
“I know. They feel more real now.”  
“Has he seen these?”  
“No”  
“Maybe you should show them.”  
“Maybe”

“Can you take my picture, Cassie?”  
“Okay”  
Thank god Cassie was somewhat detached from the normal relationships and societal expectations. The lack of questions was nice.  
Sitting on his kitchen floor with a roll of duct tape was very specific. It took a while to get it right. It would have been even better probably at Sam’s kitchen. But there was no way he was going there anytime soon even if he had a key.   
This was not going to be a cute care package.


	10. Chapter 10

The phone call was not a surprise. He had expected Dean though.  
“Is this how you see it?” Sam did not sound too upset.  
“Yeah”  
“I took it to my therapist”   
“Oh” Well, this could be bad.   
“She thinks we should talk about it”  
“Ah…”  
Is this psychiatry by proxy? Trying to analyze Gabriel through Sam?  
“She… We talked about it yesterday. I know this hasn’t been the greatest thing for you. I… was so deep inside my head. I didn’t really see you. No, that’s not it. I didn’t pay attention. Like you were less real than the shit in my head. And I’m so sorry for that”  
Unbelievable. Sam was taking the fault for this too. The deal with Dean was heavy enough. 

“You… It’s not really your fault. Maybe timing just wasn’t right for us. Or this. The whole boyfriend thing. With your past…”  
“Gabriel, no! We were never wrong. The timing would never have been better… or worse for that matter.”  
“…were…?”   
“I mean… You probably want to take a break or something?”  
“Do you?”  
“I don’t know… I am going to be a really shitty boyfriend for a while. Well… for longer.”  
“You are not a shitty boyfriend”  
“I basically used you for sex and probably caused some serious mental damage with my stunt-“  
“Don’t you dare talk like that! It is not a stunt or a performance”  
“…sorry…”  
“Look. The photos are my therapy. I’m processing it, okay?”  
“Okay”  
“And I can wait for you to get yourself in a better state. That’s fine. But don’t you go pre-emptively dumping me for my own good. I am the only one who can decide what’s good for me. And you should decide what’s good for you too. If it’s not me, just let me know. But do it for you, not for me.”

Sam hadn’t done many things for himself in his life, apart from school. And school only got you degrees. It was all the other stuff that kept you sane.   
“Okay”  
“Okay. I will have to go and do some grocery shopping. I will buy myself some ice-cream. Because I want it and deserve it. You should do something like that too, just for you”  
“Okay…”  
“You don’t have to. And it doesn’t have to be food or anything. Just something. Anything. Sammy, I really like you. And you should too…”  
He got a picture of Sam in a bookstore a basket full of stuff. He cried that night. Just a little bit.

As a thank you for Cassie, Gabriel did the grocery shopping for his brother the next Saturday. Even got the tasteless bread he liked and some primo quality toilet paper just because.   
“Hello, Gabriel. Why are you here?”   
The greeting would have been rude from anyone else. From Cassie it was just normal.   
“Thanks bro, this is the thank you note you deserve. The photobook went down better than expected.”  
“Okay.”  
“Are you going to invite me in?”  
“Okay.”  
“Dude, when did you get a new couch?”  
“Last week. The delivery men were efficient and left immediately”  
That would be a requirement for Cassie. Strangers stressed him out.   
“This is really nice! How have you been bro?”  
“It turns into a bed.”  
“And why would you want it to do that?”  
“I can avoid future treks to your insufferable neighborhood, if you can come and stay here instead”   
Jesus, had Gabriel been that bad? Maybe there had been tears and stuff… but getting a sofa bed…  
“I’m fine now though”  
“Sure, if you compare to me. Or even this Sam guy. When was the last time you went out to frolic with the masses or did one of your usual social activities?”  
Shit. Four weeks ago. It had been a brunch with old college buddies. Before the drive to ER.  
“I am willing to keep you here until you feel better.”  
“Jeez, making it sound like imprisonment does not entice me, man.”  
“Did you sleep last night?”  
“Of course”  
“Longer than four hours?”  
“No”  
“Try the sofa”  
And Gabriel stayed the night. And slept for six solid hours in Castiels turtle sheets.

**Author's Note:**

> There are 8 planned chapters for this fix currently. I am not on a posting schedule, so the chapters will be put out sporadicly. All feedback is appreciated. Hopefully this will be a pleasant experience for all readers despite darker themes.


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